The premarital Cabbagetown lair of punk rockers Avril Lavigne and Deryck Whibley was put up for sale for $599,000 in March 2006, as reported then by the Toronto Star, because they were loading up the trunk and moving to Beverly Hills. The eight-bedroom and 10-and-a-half-bathroom Tuscan-style mansion in Bel-Air they bought on marriage in April 2007 from reality show brainiac ex-couple Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler cost $9.5 million — which Whibley, the singer of Sum 41, left of his own volition last month. Given how Lavigne’s career was cultivated on the perceived grounds of irritable realness, though, her eventual return to the limelight will be a disappointment if it doesn’t incorporate some media-ready articulation of what it’s like to be a wealthy 25-year-old divorcée. Still, whether or not she can string the words together, will anyone fall for it? Esquire is testing the premise with a blurb in the annual “Women We Love” issue, by their Ottawa-based contributing editor Chris Jones who, in an infuriatingly roundabout way, reveals that he’s been pleasuring himself to her videos since Avril was just 17: he has great eyes now that we can see them, and her cheekbones are sharp, and she has a pretty mouth (is there any way to say a woman has a nice mouth without it sounding disturbing?) as well as a curvy body that she knows how to dress: “She has great eyes now that we can see them, and her cheekbones are sharp, and she has a pretty mouth (is there any way to say a woman has a nice mouth without it sounding disturbing?) as well as a curvy body that she knows how to dress.” So, yeah, this probably isn’t ever going to work — incorporating a plumber’s crack into your stage getup before being legal cancels out its share of adult opportunities. The barely-famous Whibley, meanwhile, apparently still likes girls! Yet the most surprising part of the mysteriously abundant reports that he was partying at the Mirage Hotel with model-designer Hanna Beth Merjos is that he has a “rep” to return media calls.